Tour Reporter Phil White

Intro
As with any tour of any significance, it is always difficult to remember what happened the previous night, so writing a Tour report after several days back home, is never gonna be easy. I'm sure I'll miss out one or two details, but obviously will try not to. I can't actually remember a great deal about it!
So I decided to enlist the help of a few of the Tourists to try and jog my 3-second memory:
4 main things kept popping up in the e-mails I received summarised here,

· Rummy's hero worship of Cheesy
· Discovering that Ben Evans is really quite dull.
· Finding out that Kesley is overrated.
· V good tour. Excellent laugh.

…..but for more details on our Spanish Tour, read on……………

Thursday
A quiet night in front of the telly with Scum, turned into a bit of a session. 3.30am came, and the decision was made to leave the saving of 'Abe' to another night, as it was probably time to start packing, and in addition to that, Denis would soon be turning up in his Jag to drive us to the Airport. (Sorry for sleeping in Dad!). We arrived at the airport having already missed the classic line from the check-in desk,
"Excuse me, do you realise this ticket has 'Ohhhhhh Bailey on it?" - If only she knew.
Although Billy could not be there in body he was remembered to A.N. Other by, several of, the tourists who were sporting "Billy is Brilliant" badges, and the promise that he would be joining us in Spain. Money was changed up, as we heard our flight being called.
Flight > Taxi > Hotel (Nothing interesting to report there, I don't think!)
Within 40 minutes we had arrived at The Hotel Pie (not sure if that was it's proper name, but it seemed appropriate, to be honest though, I can't remember, but am fairly sure it was something like that). A few faces dropped as we realised that Hotel Pie was right next to the motorway, and that some kind of help would be required to help us sleep. Alcohol anyone?

We headed down to the marina, and found an Italian that suited us all. Food was good, beer smooth, and weather was good - Nice!
A few of the lads attempted a quick pool tournament when we got back to the hotel, on a table that had seen better days, and the standard left a bit to be desired (Was this to be a sign of things to come?)..

Sinatra's was the place to be and after our evening meal, during which Rummy seemed to become a little obsessed with Cheesey, we congregated with other tourists and locals outside to consume a few more beers. At one stage Rummy left Cheesy to fish out some poor fella that had been pushed into the marina whilst relieving himself. Rummy was slightly disappointed that the bloke was too angry to thank him, but nobody ever said playing the Good Samaritan was going to be easy.
And so onto the Night Club - Mini Guinni (as featured in the previous weekend's Times Style section) were consumed along with a few more beers. Some interesting dance moves were displayed, but nothing too extreme (thinking back to Brussels, I thought I had better be a little more conservative).
"Do I ming or something?" was the only question I had for Leesy that night. Come to think of it, I'm still waiting for him to answer that. Ev seemed to be the only tourist making progress, but seeing as the rest of us were having a ball, I'd guess he was the only one trying. Somehow Wallsy was ejected from the club I have no idea why, maybe they just didn't like his face - (further details to follow - I hope so!).
Oli has asked me to include a brief drunken conversation that he had with TV Rummy in the early hours:
"What's the Spanish is for I want porn"
"quiero porno Rummy" was the reply.

Friday
Football & Golf
One by one the lads turned up by the poolside. The sun was shining, it was going to be a beautiful day. Around the pool there were several other parties - some better looking than others. Spirits were high, and the first beers of the day flowed freely. It was like a fashion show of pool wear. Everything that is ever worn at the beach was on display. Until Ev turned up wearing his brown loafers, and a pair of Speedos, and interesting combination, that probably needed some kinda explanation that was anything but forthcoming. Rummy somehow had managed to get hold of Oli's dog, and read Oli's text messages out to everyone. Well out to everyone except me, as I have no recollection of this event at all. Did I miss anything interesting? Rummy then followed this up by informing the party that 'bird' calls him 'Baby Boo'. Ahhhh bless! Rummy was having an interesting day as one of the 2 TVs, this time amused us all by being chucked into the Pool whilst wearing Ev's shirt.
Football Fiasco
A few days before departing Leesy's hard work in arranging some foreign competition for us had fallen through. For some inexplicable reason the local teams had decided not to return any of his calls or e-mails from Blighty. Not good, and so Zero got on the case.
Oli was a star, making several calls to try and sort out a game for the eager tourists, but unfortunately leaving everyone his English mobile number, & forgetting to give them the International dialling codes. As Mr Simpson once said on Tour - Doh!
Oli found us a pitch to play on, and we arranged to meet in reception before departure. One by one members of the LOBs touring party congregated in reception. And then finally a rather strange image appeared Ev had turned up disguised as Huggy Bear - I had always wondered what a pimp would wear to play football in, and now I knew. 2 cabs pulled up and we were off. Pulled up at a sports hall, looked like we'd be playing football inside on a beautifully sunny day. The cabs stopped, and we were watched by a coach load of school kids eagerly watching on, in the desperate hope that by chance their football hero was among them. Young heads dropped, and turned away as yet another day passed without them meeting their footballing idols. We entered the Sport hall and bought a selection of cold drinks prior to the big game including an Iced Tea had a new pre-match drink been discovered? (I'll answer that later). Oli had a quick chat with the receptionist, but then turned to face us with some good, and some bad news. We'll be playing outside - Nice! It's a cab ride away. - Tut! 2 more cabs were called and we went to wait in the carpark. The kids were still waiting for their coach (bus) to turn up, and again looked on as a ball was released from the kit bag. Cat had a quick stretch of his groin, and cleared his throat in the usual manner. The 2 tour virgins were keen to press their point to the old hands that they were touring for a reason. A few good touches were shown and as the afternoon temperatures raised, so did the number of young Spanish footballs who turned to look on. There must have been 160 kids looking on, as A.N. Other tried to bring a high ball down from Rummy with one clean, perfect touch. Theory has it then when A.N. Other looked up he was temporarily blinded by the Mediterranean sun, as the ball left his control, and ended up in the funny bush thingy. An ironic round of applause sounded from the nippers. (A.N. Other, am I to be the next Billy? Sent into exile after such scorning remarks?)
Eventually some cabs turned up, and a few of us discussed the local architecture of a nearby building, not something I do everyday of the week. And so the cabs arrived and we entered a building site. This was going to be interesting, but as we turned the corner a beautiful; astro turf pitch lay before us. With superb goals, and a great playing surface this was gonna be good. Don't remember a great deal about the game. Chunk out of Ev in the first 10 seconds. Piercey's opener. Rummy's tracking back. Getting the ball back. Couple of good saves. Some neat football. Some good goals. Some untidy football. A few glorious misses. Tripping over the kit bag (nearly) while trotting off to take a corner. I think we won, 'cause Ev didn't want to shake my hand!
Back for showers, and to freshen up. Kels had somehow managed to use up an entire bar of soap in one shower and was wondering if he has put on weight. Mmmmm, well there's one to ponder. And then out for a bite to eat. We sat outside and watched the world go by, as we tucked in. The beer flowed - it was good to be on Tour again. Wanting to fire it up a bit, Kels & Oli had a little chat. Kels decided that because he was having to live with the disappointment of sitting next to Rummy he would leave it to Zero to sort out some cheeky sharpeners. Was it finally time for drinks on fire? Within minutes 14 shot glasses turned up, and the waiter started to decant a clear liquid into out thimbles. One by one the tourists had a little sniff of what awaited them. "Is this peach schnapps?" Well yes, for all except Wallsy, who had a little extra on the house. Wallsy had got some ice with his, or had he? A thin slither of glass was removed from his mouth. The waiter turned up, Oli, Wallsy had a quick chat with him another 14 peach schnapps turned up - hoorah. I'm not really sure what was worse putting glass in his drink, or forcing us all to drink some more schnapps for bringing it to the waiter's attention. Des Anderson (Old Reptilian) was out there with his parents, and seeing as his was suitably dressed in a rather smart blazer was invited to join us for a drink. And then it was off to Sinatra's. Beach was in top form unfavourably commenting on a young lady's choice of footwear, and then bouncing around off a few windows. Then to the night-club (of which I have no recollection of ever knowing it's name). The bouncers were happy to exercise their R.O.A.R. philosophy, but they were up against some very intelligent opposition. A.N. Other wasn't admitted because of his choice of footwear. So nipping round the corner, he removed his socks, and pulled them over his trainers, and returned to the club's entrance, and was admitted no questions asked. "Hello my name is Simon, what would you like to drink?" echoed around the club, as Kelse got to work. A.N. Other and Adam both had admirers who were not content with rejection. Three times they asked, and three times they were knocked back - future bunny boilers maybe? Well done lads, your ladies back home would have been proud! On the way home, Scum shouted stinky ar$eholes, fishy tw@ts at any woman that came near him. Next thing he remembered was waking up on bed - fully clothed, a chambermaid's dream? No, not Scum, the fact that his bed didn't need to be touched.

Saturday
Poor Football
One by one the lads emerged from their rooms to congregate around the pool. Football had been booked for the late afternoon, and one or two were expressing concerns about the whereabouts of Beach, while Cheesy checked out the markets back home. Ev had wondered over to the main group of ladies and chatted to several of them including one with whom he had spoken to the previous night. He was assured of how certain things were to work out that evening. (Let's just say that nothing came of it, as she was later seen dining on another fella's face!). McDonalds was close by and a stream of LOBs ventured over to vire the Spanish McMenu. A variety of burgers, and beverages were purchased that were taken back to eat poolside. Kelse's eyes lit up, but could he be arsed to buy his own? Not with Piercey there, who would certainly accept Kelse's offer of 8 quid for a 59p cheeseburger.

Football. It was great to see Mr Kesley out on the pitch again, and I was interested to see what role he would take up. (Am still trying to work this out - answers on a postcard please). His first 3 touches saw the ball end up out of play, and possession lost. On the whole the footy wasn't that great, a culmination of lack of sleep, alcohol, & the weather seemed to dictate to most of us, that we would be crap. Except for a select few, including Scum, who would later be presented with the European Footballer of the year award.

The last night
Having congregated in the hotel bar, the tourists set off for the port for the last time. We dived into several restaurants before returning to the first one we had checked out. But not before a couple of cheeky lagers were had, and the coin of fear rose it's ugly head. Soon the wine was flowing, and a few drinking games were suggested.

Suddenly Wallsy, (whoops! 2 fingers) I mean Dave had an announcement. A.N. Other not a great wine lover, had been emptying his glass under the table onto the floor. Something had to be done. A couple of lads were dispatched to the bar to investigate their top shelf. There they discovered several bottles covered in dust. "They're dustin' off the bo'tles from the top shelf, Dave" Beachy uttered to Pies. For A.N. Other time stood still. A few shots of these, and the drink was ready. A.N. Other knocked it back, and rose to his feet quickly - had it really been that bad? Is this what tours are all about? Am I gonna hurl?

Onto Sinatra's and A.N. Other had disappeared - had the drink taken its toll on the TV, and had he now retired to bed? No, he just shot off to throw up! Sinatra's was yet again heaving, and a large number of people had spilled out onto the road that ran along side the port. Every now and then the crowd would begrudgingly let through a variety of cars, from beaten up old Renault 5's to Porsches, and Ferraris of all descriptions. (If only I had driven down, I too could be part of this strange ritual). Cars came, and cars went, but still no A.N. Other. Was he ok? He had been gone for 20 minutes. A convertible turned the corner, and parted the crowd slowly, as Moses had done so to the Red Sea. A large convertible. A Bentley. A Bentley Continental T, and A.N. Other was pushing it. To the applause of those around him, a rather unsteady A.N. Other was pushing a £233,355 motor through the crowd. Surely the Bentley driver didn't think this applause was for him? And then when he was through to the other side, the applause continued. "What was going on?" thought the driver, as he glanced into his rear-view mirror to investigate, only to discover A.N. Other pushing his motor; he accelerated…….and the car that had been supporting A.N. Other from falling forward had gone, and so like his wine, A.N. Other ended up on the floor.
And so onto the night club with no name!
Andrew Cunningham, Corporate Finance, was heard to address one of the bouncers, "I am a lawyer, now tell me your name!" - it seems that he hadn't heard of the footwear ruling. He did however try the SOS or sock over shoe method to gain entry - but with no success.

Sunday am
"Poo for Kelsey, poo for Kelsey, poo for Kelsey" Pies, echoed aroun the corridors of the 3rd floor, wing C - at 7am, in a final, desperate, unsuccessful attempt to hang on to some silverware for another two years. Kelse wanted poo to do some wooing. He met up with A.N. Other and they headed off in a taxi to acquire some poo at a nearby club, which refused them admission.
Wallsy bouncing up and down on the his bed at 5am on the last night saying I must phone Australia and Chicago (having woken up each day regretting having done just that)

And so to the journey home:
Taxis > Airport > Plane
Probably one of the more interesting of flights I've been on, but not for the right reasons. Sitting next to the world's most nervous flier did however have its funny moments, as the pilot swerved viciously just at takeoff to try and hit a stray dog. The Stewardess reading out the menu. Pop music being piped into the cabin. Piercey passing his Tour Bore vote to Leesy on the plane with Leesy's name on it (well done TB).
Votes were cast, tallied up, and the results announced:

Tour Bore: Adam Pierce
Tour NUTC: A.N. Other
European Footballer of the Year: Laurence Hannam

Last time I toured The Princess of Wales was killed, I briefly wondered what news had occurred since our departure. We were all upset to see the article in the Mail on Sunday, and it makes me wonder if I should tour again?

Breaking news

Kelse is apparently continuing to hassle the 2 birds from Tour 3 weeks later - no doubt to
continue (He is seeing them this weekend and next weekend)

Late news from A.N. Other:

"Agent Rummy tells me that Senior Pies performed another discgraceful act on
Tour. He was spotted buying ladies roses in a nightclub from some street
urchin, having these thrown back in his face and offering them excessive
drinks with the kitty as an alternative.

"Can my Tour nutc award be transferred...?"

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